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Not Ready for the 2x4 - Lessons learned

I had been in bed for 2 days at this point

heart in shreds

stomach in knots

I didn’t want to talk to anyone and I didn’t want to see anyone

I mean how could I

How could I face anyone

They would ask me about him

The Liar

The Cheater

Freaking Manipulator

And a User

He claimed to be so much better than the rest and he wasn’t

He was just like the rest of them

Dogs

“I hate men” I whispered

And then the ugly tears came again

I hate this - Why me

All I seem to attract are toxic men

This last one was no better than the one before that…

I sighed and turned onto my back

The phone rings

It was mom. I had been avoiding her all week. I was sure she was going to send the swat team after me next.

“Hey momma” I answered

“Chyla?” her mom questioned slowly

“Yes momma.”

“Okay so I hadn’t heard from you baby what’s going on?”

“Ben is a piece of crap like everyone else.”

“Well yeah baby i figured something like that was going on. But truth be told baby, he didn’t seem like he was on the same level as you. So you know I try to stay out of your business but can I ask you something baby?” Mom questioned tenderly

At this point it didn’t matter - it was what it was. I took a breath and said

“Yes ma’am”

“What did you learn from this?”

Her words sounded like the strange noises that Charlie Brown’s teacher made. What does she mean - I tossed the words around in my head. I mean I gave him, I gave this my all, I was loyal, I was honest and he was not. I took a breath because I know my momma loves me and she doesn’t mean me any harm.

“I mean……. that Ben was a liar and a cheater.” I said trying to hold in my anger

“That is what Ben did but what did you learn - What are you going to do differently the next time so you ….. Maybe have a better outcome. I would suggest that you take some time, think about the whole relationship. What did you do and how did he respond? What are some things that he did in the beginning that maybe could have hinted at him not being such a good guy? We overlook a lot of that in the beginning because new love feels good.”

Damn....


Blame comes easy when we are wronged.

The truth is we need to focus on why we had that experience.

My father used to say there are only lessons and blessings. The lessons tend to be hard on us. Lessons tend to hit us

In our wallets

In our hearts

On our asses

Lessons are painful reminders of what needs to be learned so that we can receive our blessings.

Lessons tend to start off as a gentle nudge like an unpleasant situation

but if we continuously fail to listen it can turn into a huge 2x4 where we are devastated

The bigger the lesson, the harder the push

So what then?

Do we start that cycle all over again or should we take the time to reflect and heal?

We should take time after a failed relationship to take inventory

Reflect

Focus on ourselves and hear or understand what this relationship was here to teach us

Even when the relationship ended at no fault of our own

We must look at ourselves

What did we allow to go on

Where did we fail to get clarity

Did you ask what their goals were for the relationship

Were you doing wife things at a girlfriend level

What did we ignore

Did you speak your truth? What does that mean - Did you speak up when you didn’t like something that they did or did you ignore it because you liked them. Did you say something when they handled something in a way that made you uncomfortable or did you sit in silence?

Did you respect their boundaries and did you hold your own

There are many of us who fall so deeply we tend to make exceptions on our own boundaries. Our boundaries are there to keep us safe in some way. When we overlook our own boundaries we are setting ourselves up for disaster.

Did you expect things that you did not verbalize?

Unexpressed expectations are one of the biggest indicators of failure in a relationship

The minute you say - “if she loved me she would’ve …”

If you did not express this as a need - how will she know to do this?

Contrary to popular belief your mate can not read your mind at all - if you do not tell them what you need - you can not expect them to be this or do that for you

What red flags were missed during the honeymoon phase - You should not, ever go into a relationship looking for red flags but when presented with one you should not ignore it. A red flag is a sign that there might be trouble ahead.

If you are starting to see a collection of red flags

it doesn’t matter how much you like them

Get out

When we take some time and examine ourselves, we understand that sometimes we set ourselves up for heartbreak. And we can learn what to look for and more importantly what to back away from

When we take the time to heal ourselves, we can understand what boundaries to put into place before you begin a new situation with another person

When you honor your growth, you no longer look at past relationships as a failure but as an opportunity to level up, learn and put yourself in a better space for blessings…

Because you deserve real love

And it is coming

Align yourself with love dear one


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