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Stand on it - a conversation about boundaries

She checked the text

He had not responded

She looked at the time

It was 7 p.m.

She had not heard from him in two days

She scrolled through the text

she reviewed the conversations that they had when they first met

She sighed -

Yes she had been very clear in spelling herself out

She had been hurt in the past

She had been

Neglected

Overlooked

Made to feel like it was a burden

Like she was not the priority

She knew the people get busy

They have family

Jobs

Routines

Things that get in the way

but

A 30 second text

An emoji

A meme

She was worth more than that but an attempt at consistency was better than nothing’

And she would honor that

But nothing?

No text

No call

No pic

No meme

Last time she had decided that it would be last time

She was not signing up to be ignored

Ghosted

Made to feel like it was a chore to talk with her or take a minute to just say hi

She would not allow it to happen again

Especially someone who was pursuing her

She decided that she never wants to feel alone in her relationship again

And so she made the boundary - the rule

And she felt like she made it clear

“I require attention. If we are working on building something with each other, we should hear from each other everyday. If something comes up we can work around it but a 30 second text is not that hart to say that you are busy right now.”

And she made it clear

“If I feel like you are ghosting me, I will vanish too.”

The man chuckled, agreed and went on to say “it is nothing to send a friendly pic to say I am thinking about you.”

She had set the expectation

She had presented her boundary

She felt that she was clear and that he understood

So she felt clear to move on

No step backs

No second chances

Unless he was in the hospital or jail

He knew the boundary too - he broke it

But since it was her boundary

Now she was going to stand on it

…..

A boundary is a rule that is put into place to keep you safe

We all experience things in our lives

That do not make us happy

That hurt us

That make life uncomfortable for us

And if we learn the lesson behind it, we change the way we do things, we see things differently and we set boundaries

I know i can not drink more than two drinks without getting drunk so I limit myself at two

I know if I do not get up and exercise at least 3 times a week my health will suffer so I exercise

I know that if I tell my business to that co-worker, it will be in the street so we do not talk to her

Most of us have boundaries when it comes to our job

When it comes to our home

When it comes to our relatives

Most of us have all types of boundaries

While coaching

I have found that people are very good with setting a boundary

Many are good about communicating your boundary

The problem becomes when someone breaks that boundary

We get upset

We talk to them

They apologize and even make it up to you

We reset the boundary

But for most of us we do this only for those people to breech our boundaries again

And again

And again

The power of a boundary comes not from the setting of that boundary

But of the enforcement of it.


The power of a boundary comes in the form of walking away

It is the removing yourself from a situation that you have been clear about avoiding

It is the holding yourself account about for your own emotions

You don’t like disrespectful arguing?

You should only have to express that boundary once

When the disrespect and arguing show up again you have the responsibility to stand up for yourself by leaving…

The choice is ultimately yours

you can keep telling them not to talk to you that way,

Or disrespect you in that manner

You can

or you can show them that you will not tolerate it

By

Not

tolerating

it

What we accept is what we can expect


If we continue to allow people to stomp all over our boundaries

and continue to show up for them

We are showing them

We will not honor our own boundaries

So why should they

We are not too serious about our own respect

So how can they respect you

Or in relationship terms - you are telling them

You can do what you want to me

I will get mad but I will still be here


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