I have always wanted to write a book.
I had read what others had written and felt that my story would eventually need to be told
And I thought that I had stumbled onto my answer
It was almost sweet the way that they packaged it.
Tell us your worst tragedy and how it has made you a better person for it.
They called it - Thanks God I …
At the time, I thought that I could freely talk about one of my little secrets
And go unharmed
I mean
I thought had everything I had ever wanted
I had three beautiful kids
I had a husband that I loved and I thought loved me
And I was doing the thing that I love the most
Dance
But I knew I had this opportunity
I knew in order to get them to listen to me
I had to go deep
I had to tell them something that i had never told anyone else
I mean
I had never told my father because he was too close to the situation and I knew what his reaction would be
I had never told my friends because I didn’t know what they would think about me
I had never told my husband because well hell I was too busy helping him mend his childhood
But I was caught in the sway of the movie the Secret
I knew that nothing was on accident
my pain had manifested for a reason and that this was a way for me to become this author that i wanted to be
Thank God I...
So when I got the phone interview
The lady on the phone sounded very excited to hear my story
She gave her spill about how this book would be monumental and how it would help others
And she asked me what tragedy was I thankful for...
And I said it
I had never uttered these words before
Not in this way
Thank God I was molested
The lady on the other end was silent
She said “Excuse me?”
“Thank God I was molested…. in a church no less.” I said
“In the church?”
“Yes.”
After a long and awkward pause, she started again
I could tell that she had to regather her thoughts
she began asking me questions about my story
So I gave her bare bones detail, careful not to spoil all of my information because I wanted to be an author and of course it didn’t bother me…. right?
I was 30 and a mother myself
It was 19 years since this had happened
19 years since he had touched me
19 years since he betrayed my father
19 years since he took away the safety of the church
19 years of silence
18 years since that old bastard died
So I was safe?
Right?
…..
I remember
I did not attend his funeral
They dedicated a library to him at my church
I took every opportunity to mess it up
I ripped books
I put gum on the walls
My friends thought I was being a bad ass
And they didn’t know
That
Secretly I hated him
So I told this stranger - things that I did not tell my daddy
I knew that my father would not understand
I knew that it was my parent’s insistence that I be respectful to everyone in church
Their insistence that if they got a report of my insubordination would result in punishment
Their insistence that elders were to be respected and honored
And sadly their insistence
That made me easy prey
And not one time - many
I would hide from this old bastard and he would still find me and ask for some sugar
And I would then be groped and prodded
I would feel sick to my stomach
Inside the church I was raised in
A man I was told that I needed to respect because of how much he has given to the church
Molested me
And
I hated him
At one point I felt sorry for his wife
And then I hated her because she had to know he was nasty
It is amazing what secrets can do
I held that secret with me for so long
I didn’t know what it had done to me
Or my relationships
Or my marriage
Or how I raised my children
Or why I would never set foot in a traditional church again
…
And after telling her how I saved my own child from being molested and that is the reason why my sacrifice was a win
I felt cheated
I felt empty
I felt sick
You could tell that it took several minutes for her to even digest what I was saying
And with some prompting that I could hear
She
went into her spill that they wanted to include my story
And that I would indeed be an author
BUT
That I write and then I would indeed be selling my story in my book
A formula that I learned about later It was the source of the success of the Chicken Soup for the Soul books
It was genius
but
there was no way that I was going to be able to sell my secret
There was no way I would get in front of the community and tell them what happened to me
Even to say that he was the only one that used or abused me
he was not
Despite best efforts, sometimes young girls are just not safe
Even with family and friends
Needless to say
I declined a second interview
I declined to write my story
But what I didn’t know or understand that the simple statement of fact
That secret
Those words
Made me hurt and feel nasty
Even as a grown woman
With my own kids
Even with my own husband
Who I felt loved me
Those words opened a pus filled wound that had never healed
Or never been cleaned out
And
The reason why I always feel unprotected and unsafe
The reason why I do not trust the words of those who say they love me
The reason why I HAVE to be tough
The reason why I am called mean by men
The reason why I will cut people off without hesitation
The reason why I do not allow my children to go just anywhere nor were people allowed to come over
The reason why trust has never been an easy thing for me
And lastly
The reason why I WATCHED my father, a really good and pious man, change my daughter’s diaper only to feel guilty for not trusting him
I NEVER FEEL SAFE
AND
I NEVER FEEL MY CHILDREN ARE SAFE
Are the result of a wound that was never cared for
These wounds we suffer as children have to be cleared out and tended to
Even if was decades ago
They make us who we are and sometimes make us do things that sabotage us
Our lives
Our marriage
Our relationships with our children
Our relationships with our parents
Even our relationships with people who are truly guilty of overstepping boundaries
They are allowed a pass because
We don’t want to look crazy
But I am not
You Are not
And
Now that I am a therapist and am working with children who have seen these things or far worse
I am 100% sure that these wounds are poison and can fester into venom that will enter our lives
Enter our relationships
Enter our friendships
Enter our parenting
Enter our jobs
And break us down.
You do not have to be alone - there are people that you can talk to
Counseling does work
Therapy does work
Support groups do work
Coaching does work
Even self work with book or tapes (youtube) does work
Now please understand
It will not undo what has been done
but
it can give you the tools to help you manage when you are triggered
While I did not have access to counseling in proper form
I listened to women who went through similar tragedies and were able to turn their lives around
Like
Oprah Winfery
Lisa Nichols
Maya Angelou
Iyanla Vanzant
And I consistently worked through books, tapes, lectures, seminars, youtube videos, interviews and guided meditations for years
Only to come to a place where I can say
Yes I was molested
Yes it has affected my adult life
But YES I am able to cope with life a little better
Because I know the truth
This was not my parent’s fault
This was not my fault
He was a nasty pedofile
HE took innocence from me
And I am here to reclaim my power...
Also by the way
These things that happened to me and to 1 out of every 5 women are not things to be healed overnight
I still have work to do
We still have work to do
It is always a work in progress
And always, I send you love on your journey
