Potential - I said what I said!
Updated: Oct 10, 2019
Listen - I said what I said on the No Guidance Podcast - Potential means not there yet.
Now do allow me to clarify and say that I am speaking specifically about relationships and specifically about providing what is needed (i.e. love, support, empathy, control, and accountability) to make things work.
For those in the back who are mad because he/she doesn't allow you to use them - this is not your conversation - exit the blog stage right.
Back to my big open-hearted lovelies - Let me come right out the gate and say what I need to say. You should not stay in a relationship based on potential.
Men, women, non-binary, cats, dogs, high stepping elves - no one should stay in a relationship based on potential especially when it comes to the actual wear and tear of your heart.
There is the romanticized notion that often clouds our eyesight when we see someone be awesome in certain situations and we feel like that equates a loving and kind companion - or the potential to be.
He tutors after school = He would be a good daddy
She takes care of her elder mother = she is a caring woman and will take care of me.
These are all assumptions based on their current actions outside of your relationship. You can not base your relationship on what you think someone has the potential to be. If he is as ass to your children - then no sis he will not change and be better when you guys get married. If she treats you like shit and when you are sick you don't even hear from her - then no bruh bruh it is not going to change if you give her the ring.
What you ACCEPT is what you can EXPECT.
So I am a realist and I have had to come by this the hard way. Potential to me is the equivalent to the "if they would only" statement. They only postpone the inevitable.
I base my decisions on who I allow in my circle based on what it is they are bringing to me at face value - RIGHT NOW.
What does that mean?
Does being around them bring me joy or make me worry?
Do they add to my energy or do I feel drained?
Am I learning something from them or are they testing my lessons?
If they are coming out the gate wrong and raising red flags - it doesn't matter what the potential he/she/it has. Potential can cause you wasted time and energy especially since if there are things in their character that make you unhappy.
Dayum DJ are you saying that people can't change?
Nope not saying that.
Now don't get me wrong, potential is a good thing - IF - they are already working towards change in that area. And be mindful of people who tell you that they changed for you - they may hold resentment for you later.
(been there and done that)
Remember the only person you can change is an infant - not a grown adult.
There are many of us working on making ourselves the best that we can be. Sometimes all we need is someone to bring something to our attention. But I go back to, this is sadly the exception, not the rule.
There are so many of my lovelies look at the characteristics of a person and see all the good in them. Only seeing the good in people is a wonderful attribute that many of us have. However it is scary weakness in the hands of someone who would exploit it.
Relationships where both parties work together to make each other better are the exception, not the rule. If and individual does not see a problem within themselves, you are fighting a losing battle.
Going into a relationship and seeing things that need to change and ignoring them because you guys are so new is a mistake. Red Flags exist for a reason.
What would I suggest.....
Assess the relationship. If they made no changes at all are you still happy with them being by your side? If they never lived up to that potential would that be the deal breaker? If their baggage makes you feel lonely or unhappy - its not worth it. If they work on their flaws but the same problems keep coming up and making you unhappy - its not worth it.
Life is too short to be unhappy.
No one is perfect, we all have flaws. Can you live with those flaws - or do they make you unhappy. The realest relationship advice I had ever received came from Big Brother Wan once told me - "We all have baggage, it is about the type of bags they have. If at the end of the night when you put your crusty feet next to their crusty feet - you are happy. Then it is worth it."