Story time
I had a friend who crushed over this guy for a whole year
He lived near her so she played the friend role
She cooked for him
Checked on him
Did everything that a girlfriend would do without the physical part.
And after a year
It finally happened
They finally connected
In the midst of an intoxicated releasing session
they met in a sacred space of healing and made love.
And it was everything she wanted
And she was floating on cloud nine
And as she was telling me about their rendezvous the next day
I asked
“So what did he say today?”
“Oh i haven’t contacted him”
I was stunned and confused
“But why?”
“Oh I am going to wait on him to contact me.
I don’t want to scare him off.”
...
Huh?
….
In the midst of feelings and sex and all the good things that she felt happened to her last night…
I mean granted
They should have already established roles and boundaries prior to this spiraling dive into these murky, emotionally tinged waters of making love
But since they did not have this clarity before hand
Clarity is definitely required now
I mean are you now an item
Is it merely physical
Will there be relationship moves after this
Or was it just a simple mistake
Clarity is needed
When you have clarity it means you are clear
You are clear about what this shift in the relationship means
You are clear about what is expected or not expected between you
You can rest easy with your emotions because you know what is going on
Now of course it is never that easy but clarity takes a lot of the guesswork out of love
And even if the answer is that it was a passing thing and may not ever happen again
At least she would know
And if getting simple clarity from someone you shared your essential soul with
Might chase them away
Then do you really want to hold space with someone who might run away if they encounter the real you
Walking on eggshells so that they will like you (or the fake you) enough to stay
Really?
I tend to hear this often
You are going to scare that man away
I don’t really pay any mind to it
Because it doesn’t make sense to me
I know that when most people meet someone that they are interested in
They shift into this wonderfully agreeable person
They put on their best behavior right
We allow ourselves to become the Customer Service Representative of their true self
Because see the CS Rep is more agreeable
Following these strict rules
Like
The customer is always right
We must make them happy
We must entertain them
We have to make them want to come back
Laugh at all their jokes
Act like you like that shit that you really can’t stand
Don't ask for too much too soon
Don’t get mad
Don’t disagree
Don’t tell them too much
But why
This is the most tiring dance ever and it often doesn’t work
Most CS Reps can’t wait to take their work face off when they get home
No one can keep up the CS Rep persona without eventually
Growing weary of it
Becoming resentful of it
And eventually the normal niceties go away
And you are now stuck with the real you and so is he
So why do we start with this CS Rep instead of our real selves
We will eventually have to take the name tag off
And just be us
It makes more sense to me
Especially now that I am single
Hear me out
If who i am scares them
Then they are not for me
And for me it saves me time
people invest their time, energy and emotions into relationships
I don’t have any of that to waste
I have no time for that pretty stuff
I would rather know your fears and worries
Than your favorite color
I would rather know why you and your ex split up and what lessons you learned
Rather than your favorite team
Especially if it was your fault
I would rather see your ragged soul and know that my demons will play well with your demons
Because we all have demons
Which is why
I often choose not to lead with my representative
To me it is a waste of time
I am moody
I am damaged
I am a smart ass
But knowing that and knowing if the other person can handle that is hell 50% of the battle
And I encourage the other person to be real with me too
So that we can see if we both can vibe when our vibrations are low
if both people come together
with their flaws in their hands
And the accountability to work on them And both people be
Open and receptive so that
A real choice can be made to love you as you are… or not
We all have drama
We all have baggage
Compatibility comes when you find someone whose baggage doesn’t clash with yours
Given this clarity you can make better decisions about what
what you will take and what you can’t
And maybe just maybe
have a shot at something that is real
and isn't this what love is supposed to be
real
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