She walked into an alleyway behind the building
This isn’t new
She’s always afraid
Not afraid of someone or of her safety
She was afraid of….
The question rolled around in her head
“Is this different?”
She asked herself quietly
“Is this any different from last time?”
This had to be done differently
How could this time be different from the last?
The last time she checked him out before committing
She had made him wait for 90 days… some bullshit she had read in a book
But when she was ready to give her all
It was too much
She was too much he said
And she died a little
Despite this effort to do it differently…
It still didn’t work out
She gave her all
she still got hurt
She was tired
Tired of giving her all only to be left with nothing
She was tired
Tired of starting over
Tired of trying
But how do you stop…trying?
Love is a beautiful thing - when it is done right
And she had seen it done right
And she wanted that special love for herself
Here she is alone again
She couldn’t help but wonder…
what was she doing wrong
that age old questions –
maybe she wasn’t meant to have love
maybe she was meant to be alone
and maybe she should just accept that
But she knew that is not what she wanted
She wanted to be loved and to love someone
Once upon a time she heard the definition of insanity was to continue to do the same things the same ways and expect different results.
So was she…insane?
Was she doing the same thing?
She doesn’t trust without making them earn it
She doesn’t give in too easily
She doesn’t get her hopes up because disappointment is the trigger to depression
She doesn’t invest until she thinks that she is sure
And yet she falls over and over again for the same man in different clothing
“What can I do differently! What the HELL am I supposed to do?” she yells into the alleyway.
Expecting an answer
“I just want to be loved” she whimpered as she hugged herself tightly
Hot tears caressed her face
“I don’t want to do this again.”
She heard some rustling noises in the background
She quickly fixed her face and pulled herself together
She mustered up the courage to look behind her
It was a homeless woman
The woman was rummaging through the trash cans looking for whatever
They locked eyes for a brief second before she,
“I should get home,” the woman thought to herself and looked one more time at the homeless woman who was now studying her.
She looked into her purse to find some cash to hand the woman
She looked up at her
The old homeless woman’s eyes were set on her.
She walked towards the homeless woman with a $5 bill in her hand.
“I am sorry this is all I have,” she said to the homeless woman
The homeless woman took the five and put it into her bra
And continued to stare
She looked away
Again embarrassed by this whole thing
She began to walk away from the homeless woman Her heels made a rhythmic pattern on the street and she was 10 feet away when the homeless woman yelled.
“We all want someone to love - but it’s not going to happen until we love ourselves. Believe me, I know”
She stopped dead in her tracks.
Her heart in her throat as tears began to pour
She slowly turned to face the old homeless woman
But she was gone
She disappeared as if she had never been there…
And left her with that question we should ask ourselves
Do we really love ourselves enough?
Do you give love and support to yourself the same way that you would give to a man
Do you spoil you?
Art work by Amaya Jones @Dumm.by on Instagram
Edited by Ebony Goodrich - but I am a hard headed sooo...