What are your non-negotiables?
There are so many different ways to view love.
Is it a noun? a verb?
Is it a random ass place that we just fall into? Well that is what movies would have you to believe.
“We can’t help who we fall in love with”
– um actually you can…
Personally, if I am looking at a man and I see that he has a girl – I PURPOSEFULLY mark him off my list. I am not going to “fall in love” with him by intention because he is not available to me. You remove that person as an option. That is how you can control it. There was a movie back in the 80s called “Look who is talking” and it centers around a woman who “fell in love” with a selfish ass married man… like how? Did she ever sit down and identify her non-negotiables like IDK not being married?
Even sitting down with one of my sister girlfriends (one that I shared so many things in common with) talked about love and this notion of falling in love. And I asked her what her non-negotiables are and she didn’t have any….
Like what? Now I get put into the hot seat often when I talk about this on social media.
I require my suitor to have the following
Their own place to stay
While this may be oddly specific, I am not asking anything of a man that I do not already have.
Many men mostly will get bent out of shape and say that there is a double standard when it comes to women. Women cannot have anything and a man will court them. And of course, my go to is “That is their choice.” I choose to manifest something different and build an empire.
What about love – Dime…
I am not and have never said that if a man loses his job – I would leave him but before he steps to me, he needs to have his kingdom in some sort of order… And this is just the first tier to even have conversation with me – maybe a first date… There is far more criteria after that. Whether we fly or we fail, it is all about our vibration.
Red Flags – ANYTHING that makes you question their intention
Connection – can we flow without being sexual – can he mentally hold my interest
Ignored red flags can put your into dangerous space. But one thing that is for certain, is that YOU must sit down and define your concept of love and your non-negotiables for yourself. Otherwise, you could become the victim of someone else's interpretation of love that might not quite fit your own.
Is this necessarily a bad thing?
Yes – many end up accepting circumstances that many would absolutely object to… I am using the feminine pronouns here and referring to a hetero-relationship. However, make no mistake men get used as much as women do and being in a same sex relationship does not mean you will not get dogged. People are people. Hurt people hurt people – you know this.
But let’s be realistic. TRUTHFULLY, We all know someone that…
· Gives their man their car to drive all day. He has no job and brings it back to her with the gas tank on Empty or he shows up late.
· Gives their man continual chances even though this person has cheated on them several times. Sometimes there are even extra babies added to the mix.
· Allows their man total control of who they see, what they wear, where they go and the money that they make. Please understand I am not talking about submission – there is a difference between being humble to your mate and being isolated, dominated and controlled. To further that point, I actually feel like submission is a wonderful thing if both parties agree this is the best situation for their relationship and the head of the household is devoted to gaining the best outcome for their family. My mother was submissive to my father AND she was the breadwinner. This however is a whole “other” blog.
· And lastly, allowing your mate to mentally, physically or emotionally abuse you. Most of the times it never starts like this – but as the relationship continues, small things that were nothing become huge boulders to overcome. And note, while physical abuse does something to the mind, mental and emotional abuse are longer lasting and harder to heal.
So with that being said - What shapes your definition of love?
Nature, Nurture or both?
I would say both. We grow up with a concept of love that is show to us by our parents whether good or bad. This is our initial shaping for love. Then we set of charging down this path of life and all the different relationships that we have again good or bad helps us to shape our ideas of love. Then there is the nature part of yourself that just likes whatever it is that you like. Your experience with that shapes and helps you to define your style and preference for love...
It can get pretty complicated.
So who is right??? We are all are.
I stand firm in saying that there is no set definition of what love is, what love can be and what is not love...
Now before you come for me - Yes, I know one could say - Dime abuse is not love.
You are right but….
I would challenge that notion and say - for who?
For the victim of that abuse - absolutely not...
However, what about the perpetrator? Can we honestly say that they do not love their mate? Could it be their concept of love that is skewed. Could it be that this is the only way that they have ever experienced love – maybe? Case by case basis of course, I would say that I have noted that many of these men love these women but their concept of love is warped and damaged. Does that make it okay? Uh NO!
Does that mean stay and make things work
Uhm Expletive – NO.
Love you first and enough to know that you don’t deserve to be the business end of a punching bag.
Their twisted concept of love is NOT your responsibility.
We often talk about after a relationship having space and time to heal. Look at the lessons learned from the previous relationship but the truth is some of us need to heal from our childhood. This is where our initial concept of love comes from. Many of us need to take time, space and counseling to heal from this before we go into a relationship…. But most of us don’t. We see some relief in the form of physical affection and we see the potential for happiness….
We talked in an earlier blog about potential – potential means not there now. So once the physical connection is not enough and you are left with all the baggage of both your lives….this is when the drama comes in. The arguments, disagreements, fights that begin when your vibrations shift can sometimes become violent.
Being a survivor of domestic violence myself and having worked hand in hand with several DVIS counselors, I would be the first to tell you that if you are being abused- leave.
Need Help? Need a plan? Need back up?
I am here - I'll help you!
There are many women lined up with support to help you.
As a matter of fact I will RELIST the national abuse hotline website ( https://www.thehotline.org/ ) and number here ( 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224 (TTY) Because I am that serious about you loving yourself enough to know that no one deserves to be someone's punching bag.
Dime what about the abuser -
Please get counseling - work out your issues before you reach out. You can not effectively love someone until you fully love yourself. Work through your issues before you step out to love someone else. There should be an organization that helps support survivors - many of those places also have counseling for abusers as well. In Tulsa we have DVIS and they offer counseling for those who are TRULY seeking help.
This crazy thing called love… I often think we are crazy for even entertaining love... it can turn a sane man crazy and a crazy sane. It is truly a powerful thing...
Please reflect and post your non-negotiables…